Feb. 12, 2007
Dr. Mitchell:
Hello, everyone, and welcome to yet another exciting installment of All About Evil - it's like a talk show, only more evil. I'm your long-suffering host, Dr. Broteus Mitchell, who has spent the better part of five years editing gallery proofs of my up-and-coming multi-volume Cyclopedia of Minutia, a terse reference detailing the minorest of minor phenomenon; it's being published by Chittenden Press so look for it within the year.
We've got a real treat for evil-doers today. If you've ever been to an evil zoo or evil aquarium, you've probably seen the evil animals in their evil habitats and had questions - what are they? Where did they come from? What's really going on there? We're not talking about just any animal, however, we're talking about familiars - those cruel creatures that are at the beck and call of their evil owners. Today we're joined by one of the premiere zoologists in the field of familiars. He's known as the villain's veterinarian and the master of malevolent mammals - from the Green City Zoological Gardens, please give a warm, evil welcome to Dr. Timothy Foulest.
[Applause]
Foulest
Er...hi. Uh, where are the cameras?
Mitchell
Ah, yes. We're communicating with the audience through that two-way magic mirror there on the wall. It actually belongs to a wizard but we just borrow it for the show.
Foulest
Oh. Far out. Well, nice to be here, Broty.
Mitchell
Yes, we're glad you made it, and I know you've brought in some fine specimens, to boot, that we'll take a look at a little later. But before you bring them on, I'd like to know...our audience to know, too...a little bit about the concept of familiars.
Foulest
Okay, yes, easiest thing in the world - familiars are generally spirits workin' in association with people that practice witchcraft: witches, warlocks, that sort of thing. More often than not they assist their master in performing random tasks, like collectin' items or secretly eavesdropping on enemies, especially if they look like an ordinary animals. You know, a lizard or a bird or even a monkey - whatever turns you on. Of course, the darkest of the dark, the evilest or the evil, like to use creatures not of this earth, strange shapes in shadowy shades of gray that are pointy to the touch or have malicious breath.
Mitchell
...And it's some of these little gems that you've brought in for us, right?
Foulest
(laughing) Yeah, ha-ha...yeah, those little guys don't travel well without their masters sometimes and so...heh-heh...yeah, I didn't bring too many of 'em.
Mitchell
Not a problem. I wouldn't want to deal with something untamed either.
Foulest
Yeah.
Mitchell
So tell us, Tim, what did you bring with you? I see one of your assistants just off-stage with an interesting looking bird on their shoulder - can you tell us about that?
Foulest
Yes, I can. Silas? Yeah, Silas, go ahead and come on in here...that's it. Silas has a rare example from our zoo of a sarcogyps bicephalous - that's a two-headed vulture, as you can tell.
Mitchell
Indeed - an amazing specimen.
Foulest
Yeah, she's a...watch those beaks...she means business when she's hungry. This is Agatha and Emily...that's Agatha there on the left...and this species hails from beyond the forests of southeastern Europe. She's been part of our collection for a number of years now.
Mitchell
And she's a familiar?
Foulest
Oh, yes indeed, Broty. Agatha and Emily were...was...whatever - I get all tense trying to use the right verb when it comes to this little lady...
Mitchell
Of course.
Foulest
...but she indeed is a familiar, albeit a homeless one. Viceroy Jacques Dutren IV, a sorcerer from the thirteenth century conjured up this one. Apparently his attempts at prolongin' life didn't pan out for him as he expected, but instead transferred to Agatha and Emily. They've lost a lot of their abilities but aging isn't one of 'em. Yeah, calm down, girl. I think she's frightened by her reflection in the mirror.
Mitchell
And what a reflection it is, yes. We'll make a point of not having her look directly...at...that...can we move that mirror? Over there's fine, Myron. Uh...hmmm. Do you have some fish bits or something to keep her occupied?
Foulest
Yeah. Silas - get that emergency can of sardines out the duffle bag. Hurry now, and don't spare any of them.
Mitchell
So...wow, what a wing span...so this one is several hundred years old. Is everything at your zoo of that age? I mean, do you ever celebrate new births or stuff like real zoos do?
Foulest
Oh, we're a real zoo, too...
Mitchell
...but....
Foulest
...just because we've got some different animals than others doesn't make us any different.
Mitchell
True. My apologies - but surely you get new creatures from time to time...births, maybe?
Foulest
Oh, yeah, you're right, though. A couple of births, when it's possible - we don't run a 'Noah's Ark' type of operation, mind you. Agatha and Emily here, for example...we've got one other vulture like this and we've tried the mating thing but the male...
Mitchell
It doesn't work out.
Foulest
Nah. You'd think it the easiest thing in the world and all, but it doesn't always work out that way. We've also taken in a lot of other familiars that have become...sort of down-and-out and undesirable, as it was. You know, animals that no longer server their purpose.
Mitchell
And how, may I ask, does a familiar become homeless?
Foulest
Well, sort of like ol' Agatha and Emily here - the original owner died or decided he was getting out of the magic business. Some spells are stronger than other, you see, and once you create somethin' like this...you just can't get rid of it. So it sort of lingers around...looking for a home and, you know - just tryin' to survive.
Mitchell
Eat your heart out, Charles Darwin.
Foulest
Right.
Mitchell
Amazing stuff really, and the...well, let's get Emily and Agatha off the stage. They're done with that tin of fish and...I don't care for that one's eyes...it's...it's...
Foulest
Yeah, she's still a bit hungry. Silas, let's take it back and get her back in her cage.
Mitchell
Yeah, let's do that. Thanks. Thanks for bringing that one in, she's a real...
Silas
(Blood-curling screech from off stage)
Foulest
...yeah, she was still hungry...
Mitchell
Whoa - I hate when that happens. Yeah, let's take a break, too, shall we? We'll be back with our guest, Dr. Timothy Foulest, and his familiars, after this - stick around.
[120-seconds of advertisements, quite possibly the evilest advertisements ever produced...]
Mitchell
We're back with Dr. Timothy Foulest - his assistant, Silas, is offstage getting our second familiar ready. How...how is Silas, anyway?
Foulest
Yeah, I checked, he's fine. Just missing the tip of his thumb but I don't...I don't think Agatha would do that. Emily, that's another story altogether but I've never known her to go after humans like that. It's strange...
Mitchell
Yeah...lemmie tell you...anyway, uh, Tim, you've got a second familiar you want to show us now, isn't that right?
Foulest
Yeah, this one's a real charmer. This one just sort of showed up one day at the zoo and we've sort of adopted him...or her... It. Not sure what it is. It's not the prettiest little thing, that's for sure, but he gets the job done. Silas! Go ahead and wrap that hand and bring out the other thing....
Mitchell
Heh-heh...and...and what exactly is this one? You've got it all wrapped up in that cloak and all, sort of makes it hard to see....
Foulest
Well, I'll be honest, Broty, this isn't one I'm really wantin' to show off too much, especially to your younger viewers an' all. I meant it when I said this one wasn't really that pretty; in fact, it right down vulgar to some people. There's only a few people I work with that can stand looking at it without tossin' their cookies an' all. Not something for the faint of heart, if you get my drift.
Mitchell
Uh, right. I gathered it was sort of...uh, how you say...different, judging from that tentacle-thing daggling just below the cloak there. Charming little bugger. Short, too. Any idea where it's from?
Foulest
Actually, we've done some tests and think the species may have originated in Sweden back in the 1600s, but nothing conclusive. That's at least one of the earliest reports of such creatures on record. However, it apparently gets around, as there is a rather detailed account of it, or at least another one of these things, in New York State in the mid-1950s.
Mitchell
Yes, I believe that account is told in John Bellairs' The Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost. This then is the Windrow Familiar - or at least one similar to it. Startling to see one of them so close and so clearly. I must say, is it always wiggling to and fro like that?
Foulest
It's always moving, if that's what you mean. Not as violently as it is now. Whoa, calm down, guy. That and...Silas, why don't you just...yeah, that's it, try and wrap it up entirely in its cloak there. Yeah, Broty, it's always moving - some people on staff liken it to maggots or calamari.
Mitchell
A most delightful comparison, Tim. I've, uh, just been handed a card from the floor director, who in turn had a question from the audience. Someone wants to know if this little guy has a name?
Foulest
(chuckling) Yeah, this lil' sucker's got a name all right: Tostig. It's a family name....
Mitchell
...Is he supposed to be doing that?....
Foulest
...that we came up with - Silas! Let's get him in his cage now, he's really starting to shake...he's...I'm loosing my grip. Watch out! He's coming....
Silas
(Another screech from off stage, not as blood-curling as before but close)
Mitchell
Uh, ladies and gentlemen - I've seen some evil stuff on this show, but never anything as evil as that...
Foulest
It's really going to town on him. That's why we always travel with a fully stocked First Aid crew....
Mitchell
It's sucking the skin off his forehead! How much can they do to help the guy?
Foulest
Yeah, that's happened before. I won't lie to you - there's at least a dozen people who work with Tostig that have got patches of bones protruding through their skin where his little leech-like mouth caught them. It's not pretty.
Mitchell
It's evil.
Foulest
Exactly.
Mitchell
Indeed. I think we're going to leave it at that. Tim, my thanks....
Foulest
My pleasure, Broty.
Mitchell
Our guest today has been Dr. Timothy Foulest and his familiars from the Green City Zoological Gardens. My thanks...and I guess my sympathies, too, to your assistant, Silas. Tim, visit us again, won't you? Real good. That's this installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and remember: believe only half of what you read!
[Applause]
Foulest
Er...hi. Uh, where are the cameras?
Mitchell
Ah, yes. We're communicating with the audience through that two-way magic mirror there on the wall. It actually belongs to a wizard but we just borrow it for the show.
Foulest
Oh. Far out. Well, nice to be here, Broty.
Mitchell
Yes, we're glad you made it, and I know you've brought in some fine specimens, to boot, that we'll take a look at a little later. But before you bring them on, I'd like to know...our audience to know, too...a little bit about the concept of familiars.
Foulest
Okay, yes, easiest thing in the world - familiars are generally spirits workin' in association with people that practice witchcraft: witches, warlocks, that sort of thing. More often than not they assist their master in performing random tasks, like collectin' items or secretly eavesdropping on enemies, especially if they look like an ordinary animals. You know, a lizard or a bird or even a monkey - whatever turns you on. Of course, the darkest of the dark, the evilest or the evil, like to use creatures not of this earth, strange shapes in shadowy shades of gray that are pointy to the touch or have malicious breath.
Mitchell
...And it's some of these little gems that you've brought in for us, right?
Foulest
(laughing) Yeah, ha-ha...yeah, those little guys don't travel well without their masters sometimes and so...heh-heh...yeah, I didn't bring too many of 'em.
Mitchell
Not a problem. I wouldn't want to deal with something untamed either.
Foulest
Yeah.
Mitchell
So tell us, Tim, what did you bring with you? I see one of your assistants just off-stage with an interesting looking bird on their shoulder - can you tell us about that?
Foulest
Yes, I can. Silas? Yeah, Silas, go ahead and come on in here...that's it. Silas has a rare example from our zoo of a sarcogyps bicephalous - that's a two-headed vulture, as you can tell.
Mitchell
Indeed - an amazing specimen.
Foulest
Yeah, she's a...watch those beaks...she means business when she's hungry. This is Agatha and Emily...that's Agatha there on the left...and this species hails from beyond the forests of southeastern Europe. She's been part of our collection for a number of years now.
Mitchell
And she's a familiar?
Foulest
Oh, yes indeed, Broty. Agatha and Emily were...was...whatever - I get all tense trying to use the right verb when it comes to this little lady...
Mitchell
Of course.
Foulest
...but she indeed is a familiar, albeit a homeless one. Viceroy Jacques Dutren IV, a sorcerer from the thirteenth century conjured up this one. Apparently his attempts at prolongin' life didn't pan out for him as he expected, but instead transferred to Agatha and Emily. They've lost a lot of their abilities but aging isn't one of 'em. Yeah, calm down, girl. I think she's frightened by her reflection in the mirror.
Mitchell
And what a reflection it is, yes. We'll make a point of not having her look directly...at...that...can we move that mirror? Over there's fine, Myron. Uh...hmmm. Do you have some fish bits or something to keep her occupied?
Foulest
Yeah. Silas - get that emergency can of sardines out the duffle bag. Hurry now, and don't spare any of them.
Mitchell
So...wow, what a wing span...so this one is several hundred years old. Is everything at your zoo of that age? I mean, do you ever celebrate new births or stuff like real zoos do?
Foulest
Oh, we're a real zoo, too...
Mitchell
...but....
Foulest
...just because we've got some different animals than others doesn't make us any different.
Mitchell
True. My apologies - but surely you get new creatures from time to time...births, maybe?
Foulest
Oh, yeah, you're right, though. A couple of births, when it's possible - we don't run a 'Noah's Ark' type of operation, mind you. Agatha and Emily here, for example...we've got one other vulture like this and we've tried the mating thing but the male...
Mitchell
It doesn't work out.
Foulest
Nah. You'd think it the easiest thing in the world and all, but it doesn't always work out that way. We've also taken in a lot of other familiars that have become...sort of down-and-out and undesirable, as it was. You know, animals that no longer server their purpose.
Mitchell
And how, may I ask, does a familiar become homeless?
Foulest
Well, sort of like ol' Agatha and Emily here - the original owner died or decided he was getting out of the magic business. Some spells are stronger than other, you see, and once you create somethin' like this...you just can't get rid of it. So it sort of lingers around...looking for a home and, you know - just tryin' to survive.
Mitchell
Eat your heart out, Charles Darwin.
Foulest
Right.
Mitchell
Amazing stuff really, and the...well, let's get Emily and Agatha off the stage. They're done with that tin of fish and...I don't care for that one's eyes...it's...it's...
Foulest
Yeah, she's still a bit hungry. Silas, let's take it back and get her back in her cage.
Mitchell
Yeah, let's do that. Thanks. Thanks for bringing that one in, she's a real...
Silas
(Blood-curling screech from off stage)
Foulest
...yeah, she was still hungry...
Mitchell
Whoa - I hate when that happens. Yeah, let's take a break, too, shall we? We'll be back with our guest, Dr. Timothy Foulest, and his familiars, after this - stick around.
[120-seconds of advertisements, quite possibly the evilest advertisements ever produced...]
Mitchell
We're back with Dr. Timothy Foulest - his assistant, Silas, is offstage getting our second familiar ready. How...how is Silas, anyway?
Foulest
Yeah, I checked, he's fine. Just missing the tip of his thumb but I don't...I don't think Agatha would do that. Emily, that's another story altogether but I've never known her to go after humans like that. It's strange...
Mitchell
Yeah...lemmie tell you...anyway, uh, Tim, you've got a second familiar you want to show us now, isn't that right?
Foulest
Yeah, this one's a real charmer. This one just sort of showed up one day at the zoo and we've sort of adopted him...or her... It. Not sure what it is. It's not the prettiest little thing, that's for sure, but he gets the job done. Silas! Go ahead and wrap that hand and bring out the other thing....
Mitchell
Heh-heh...and...and what exactly is this one? You've got it all wrapped up in that cloak and all, sort of makes it hard to see....
Foulest
Well, I'll be honest, Broty, this isn't one I'm really wantin' to show off too much, especially to your younger viewers an' all. I meant it when I said this one wasn't really that pretty; in fact, it right down vulgar to some people. There's only a few people I work with that can stand looking at it without tossin' their cookies an' all. Not something for the faint of heart, if you get my drift.
Mitchell
Uh, right. I gathered it was sort of...uh, how you say...different, judging from that tentacle-thing daggling just below the cloak there. Charming little bugger. Short, too. Any idea where it's from?
Foulest
Actually, we've done some tests and think the species may have originated in Sweden back in the 1600s, but nothing conclusive. That's at least one of the earliest reports of such creatures on record. However, it apparently gets around, as there is a rather detailed account of it, or at least another one of these things, in New York State in the mid-1950s.
Mitchell
Yes, I believe that account is told in John Bellairs' The Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost. This then is the Windrow Familiar - or at least one similar to it. Startling to see one of them so close and so clearly. I must say, is it always wiggling to and fro like that?
Foulest
It's always moving, if that's what you mean. Not as violently as it is now. Whoa, calm down, guy. That and...Silas, why don't you just...yeah, that's it, try and wrap it up entirely in its cloak there. Yeah, Broty, it's always moving - some people on staff liken it to maggots or calamari.
Mitchell
A most delightful comparison, Tim. I've, uh, just been handed a card from the floor director, who in turn had a question from the audience. Someone wants to know if this little guy has a name?
Foulest
(chuckling) Yeah, this lil' sucker's got a name all right: Tostig. It's a family name....
Mitchell
...Is he supposed to be doing that?....
Foulest
...that we came up with - Silas! Let's get him in his cage now, he's really starting to shake...he's...I'm loosing my grip. Watch out! He's coming....
Silas
(Another screech from off stage, not as blood-curling as before but close)
Mitchell
Uh, ladies and gentlemen - I've seen some evil stuff on this show, but never anything as evil as that...
Foulest
It's really going to town on him. That's why we always travel with a fully stocked First Aid crew....
Mitchell
It's sucking the skin off his forehead! How much can they do to help the guy?
Foulest
Yeah, that's happened before. I won't lie to you - there's at least a dozen people who work with Tostig that have got patches of bones protruding through their skin where his little leech-like mouth caught them. It's not pretty.
Mitchell
It's evil.
Foulest
Exactly.
Mitchell
Indeed. I think we're going to leave it at that. Tim, my thanks....
Foulest
My pleasure, Broty.
Mitchell
Our guest today has been Dr. Timothy Foulest and his familiars from the Green City Zoological Gardens. My thanks...and I guess my sympathies, too, to your assistant, Silas. Tim, visit us again, won't you? Real good. That's this installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and remember: believe only half of what you read!
No comments:
Post a Comment