permanent residents

"permanent residents" is a humor article by John Bellairs appearing during the 1956-57 school year in the University of Notre Dame Scholastic.

• Scholastic, Vol. 97, No. 21 - April 27, 1956; pages 22-3.

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Although someone (I forget who) has told me that there are no reserved places in the dining hall, I have come to the almost positive conclusion that, for the past two semesters, I have been sitting across from the same two (sometimes three) people who are always engaged in the same conversation; either they have been sitting there all year and have kept their place by squatters' rights, or they crouch behind the garbage cans every day, waiting to spring into position when I sit down. In any event, the conversation never varies basically, and is likely to something like this:

"Hey, Art, who was da broad I saw ya wid lasweeken ^l wen I was out wid Sally?"

"Yas, she's a real dish, ain'she? Ya gotta meeter nextime."

"Hey, wad tha prof givya for a mark onnat las test? Dawasa real rough one."

"Aah, got a *%*ce% 65. Wythahella didn't he tell us about that co-ordinate stuff?"

"Damiflknow; oughta mai-k onna curve, doncha think?"

"Boy, am I gonna be glad ta get outa dis dump; how many weeks left. Hah?"

"Hell, yer gonna hafta work yer head off ta pass this year."

"Aw, I got plennya time; Hey, ya goin' downtown tanite?"

(enter cultured member of group).

"Hey, our prof sez we oughta I'ead up on da Saddy R'vue a Littchur. 'Sall I c'n do ta keep up on tha cartoons outa tha Noo Yawker."

"Hey I gotta run, old crome-dome throws a fit wen I come stompin' in late."

"Seeya. Comeon, finish up will ya, HEY, SUGAR DOWN HERE!"

This is usually embellished by more details about "da broads" and "Hank's exam schedule," all being done in a tone usually associated with tough guys in B movies; as a matter of fact, upon looking closely at one of these fellows, I noticed that his mouth was sewn shut, except for a small opening at each corner. That this same fellow was able to ask for sugar in a voice which set the chandelier swinging was always a source of wonderment to me.

I have spotted these boys in other spots on campus: They are always in front of me in the movies, except when they are behind me; they also walk about two blocks away from me on the Main Quad, or elsewhere, although I can hear them talking quite plainly. One of them seems to have the best line of jokes on campus, judging by the response.

I am working on a plan now to discover whether or not they are the ones who stand under my window and talk at about 11:15 every night (this makes me think they are not freshmen as they would have used up their midnights long ago). I plan to hide next to the window, and when they start I will thrust my head out the window and shout, "Is that you?" If they answer "Yes" I will have proven my theory. They have been observed passing the window of a friend of mine, Edgar Liederkranz, at about 11:25 each evening, although Edgar lives in 311 Breen-Farley. It's not that I want to wreak vengeance on them; I'd just like to meet them for once and have a good talk. (Note: I can't talk to them across the table without an introduction. Regulation 4.002.)

¹ LASWEEKEN: late Anglo-IndianScandinanvian, from Norwegian "lasveken" or Dutch "latsweekentenje".