All About Evil: Question Box

by Broteus Mitchell (March 1, 2001)
(Originally published at compleatbellairs.com)

Dr. Mitchell:

Greetings and welcome to our fourth installment of All About Evil. I'm Broteus Mitchell and...really, now -- who would have thought we would have lasted this long? Not me. Over the past several months the viewer response to our program has been tremendous! Daily, we receive somewhere between zero and couple of e-mails, almost all of which have nothing to do with our program. But there has been that rare instance, where e-mail that actually pertains to the content of our show trickles in to boost our morale and these precious few, ladies and gentlemen, make it all worthwhile. So we'd like to take this installment to share with you the few messages we have received. They'll warm your heart.

Letter #1:

Dear Dr. Mitchell, I have a conspiracy theory I'd like to discuss with you. I've noticed that in The House With a Clock in Its Walls there happens to be a scene where Jonathan, Lewis, and Mrs. Zimmermann are being chased by a car just outside of New Zebedee, and they pass a general store with the word SALADA displayed prominently in its window. Then we see in Bigger's Grocery Store in The Letter, the Witch, and the Ring an old sign that once said SALADA on it. At first I thought this was the name of the town, but I knew that Bigger's Grocery Store was in Petoskey, Michigan and not very close to New Zebedee. Next I thought this was some kind of esoteric acronym perhaps standing for "Secret Anarchy Lovers Against Do-gooders Association" and that these storeowners were part of a subversive evil network of grocers. I also think "salada" in Spanish means something like "salted." Not that that helps, but any light you might be able to shed on my grocers' conspiracy theory would be greatly appreciated. And if S.A.L.A.D.A actually exists, I would be very interested in joining their ranks.
Thank you so much,
Reginald Floorbarker

The "Secret Anarchy Lovers Against Do-gooders Association" is indeed a highly esoteric organization whose soul existence is for the promotion and propagation of anarchy. They have chapters all across this great country where they meet once a month, usually at a picnic, backyard barbeque, or that sort of thing. They have a very active singles group as well as... as well as...oh, I can't go on like this. Sorry to get your hopes up Mr. Groundwoofer, but Salada is actually a brand of tea found generally in the northeast and Canada. Those signs were just old advertisements and nothing else.

Letter #2:

I am a 13-year-old boy who is quite certain his grandmother is a witch. Is it legal to burn her at the stake? If not, what should I do? No one believes me. How would someone my age go about proving this? Please advise soon. We are due for a family reunion in a month and I want to be prepared.
Samuel Kirtzwell

At one time or another many of us go through a phase in which we think a grandparents are evil or at least sinister and should be avoided at all costs. However, there are countless ways of testing to see if your grandmother is a witch. The first thing you need to ask yourself though is do you really think she is a witch, or just simply behaves and looks like one? Samuel, people tend to get cranky and rather unsightly as they grow older, and I'm sure your grandmother's no exception. And even if she is a witch, need I remind you that not all of them are evil. Take for example, Florence Zimmermann. She is a witch who practices white magic. So once you've established that see is a witch, you still need to make sure that she is an evil one before you can go around setting her on fire.  Here is what you do. At this family reunion bring along a copy of the perennial favorite Malleus Maleficarum (aka the Hammer of Witches) and make sure she sees it. If she asks you about the book, tell her you're just doing a witch-finding science project for school and your looking for possible candidates. Observe her reactions closely. If you find the Malleus Maleficarum to be somewhat daunting, I might suggest the indispensable Complete Idiots Guide to Witch Identification and Persecution by Omyga Sheezawich. This lively little book offers a clear and concise approach to witch demolition. Good luck Samuel, and happy witch hunting!

Letter #3:

Dr. Mitchell, I have awaited each installment of All About Evil with great anticipation, as I am a very serious and passionate student of the black arts. But each and every time I finish one of your installments, I feel as though I have just downed a gallon of paint while getting struck about the head by a two-by-four. I seriously doubt this is the reaction you are striving to invoke for your viewers, so I write to you to express my concerns and as a plea to stop with all this nonsense. I am sorry, but your installments have very little, if anything to do with evil: an established and respected member of the evil community, Stefan Schimpf, being compared to Urkel, grown men boxing with old women, and now Regis-eating monsters and evil spatula-headed Telletubbies. To be perfectly honest, it makes me ill to see all this. I really don't know what to make of it all. It seems to me that this is primarily just a pathetic, sophomoric attempt at humor -- and I do mean "humor" in the very loosest sense of the word -- for I find very little of it to be humorous, mainly just offensive. Your irreverence towards the great works of John Bellairs is appalling! Please, I beg of you. Come to your senses and stop with all of this silly nonsense. Need I remind you that in your initial installment you told us that All About Evil would stop at nothing to get at the root of all evil while exploring the dark, forbidden worlds of the supernatural and occult? Now snap out of it and let's get back to a more serious and respectful pursuit of evil!
Yours truly,
Dr. R. Biggletowe
Professor of Evil Studies
Miskatonic University

Thank you so much for your kind letter. Here at All About Evil we have given a great deal of serious thought to your proposals. To be perfectly honest, we agree with you 100%. No matter how much we hate to admit it, we do seem to have lost our way. Rest assured though, our next installment will put us right back on track to Seriousville! The writers here at All About Evil are in the final stages of wrapping up a four-part puppet show/musical miniseries! The Bone, the Bowl, and the Fire Hydrant will be modeled after Brad Strickland's The Bell, the Book, and the Spellbinder. It will feature Wishbone as Johnny Dachshund as he battles the evil Jarmyn Thanatos played by none other than Lamb Chop! We feel sure that this epic of puppets, music, mayhem and mystery will redeem our tattered reputation and gain once again your valued respect.

Letter #4:

To whom it may concern: I have a 3 year-old son who loves the Teletubbies, and Tinky Winky in particular. A few days ago my husband and I sat down with young Phillip for our daily "explorer time" and did a search on the Internet for information on Tinky Winky. We were lead to your page All About Evil and soon read what you had said about Tinky Winky being evil and in league with Nelly Chisanbop Hotep, or what ever that horrible creature's name is. Luckily, Phillip could not grasp the full implications of your page, but suffice it to say his eyes grew wide with fear, and he leapt from my lap and fled back into his room. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, spreading malicious lies like that. Now Phillip has to sleep with the lights on as he thinks a purple spawn of Satan with a spatula on its head is going to come out of the closet and devour him. How do you sleep at night?
[Signed], Sarah Williams.

Thank you so much for your kind letter. We try extra hard here at All About Evil to bring you the most accurate and up to date information available. The sooner young Phillip learns that the Teletubbies are indeed Satan's evil henchmen, the better. Thanks again and let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. Give Phillip our regards. And as far as sleeping goes, I usually warm a glass of milk around beddy bye time and I get my mother to tuck me in and read to me something out of The Revenge of the Wizard's Ghost, or if I'm feeling especially courageous, a passage out of The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt.

Letter #5:

Dr. Mitchell, I am a 74-year-old witch who has enjoyed a long, fulfilling life of practicing black magic. And until recently I have gone undiscovered. But as fate would have it, after all these years it's my know-it-all grandson who suspects my true identity. I was hoping you would be able to offer me some sound advice on how to handle this most delicate situation. We are due for a family reunion in a few weeks and I'm a bit concerned on how to behave around him. Some of my less tolerant friends say that I should either eat him. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't have a problem devouring that smug, precocious little twerp, but somehow I don't think my daughter would appreciate this. Please help.
Yours truly,
Idabel "Baba Yaga" Williams

I see your dilemma and yes, it is quite serious. However, your grandson is probably just going through a stage. More than likely he'll simply grow out of it and soon be too old to believe in such things. You should be in the clear in a few years anyway, but until that time, I might suggest a few things that you can do.

If you notice him carrying around any books dealing with witch identification and persecution, make sure he sees you eyeing the cover of the book, then let out a malicious sounding hiss as you whisper to him "Your soul is mine, Pansy Boy." Drooling while licking your lips will help convince him you mean business.

If this doesn't work or seems perhaps a little harsh, read to him "Hansel and Gretel" and when you finished the story, act sad, and tell Sa - eh, tell your grandson that you think this is one of the greatest tragedies in western literature. Troublesome little children who stick their noses where they don't belong deserve to be eaten. Then ask him if he doesn't agree. Perhaps he'll get the message. All in all it sounds like you have the makings for a very special family reunion. I only wish I could be there to help.

Well that about does it for this installment of All About Evil. Keep all those e-mails coming and we'll see you next time. And remember... Believe only half of what you read!