May 7, 2007
Mitchell
Tonight, an evil conversation about the evil breakfast of evil champions.
Announcer
Somewhere on the stage of life, you'll find something that's All About Evil, with Dr. Broteus Mitchell.
Theme music fades out and under.
Mitchell
...yeah, thanks. Hey, everyone, an' welcome to the program, another exciting adventure that's All About Evil. I'm B.M. and I was talking with Myron about this earlier before we went to air - did you hear the one about the kid who woke up with a spider in his ear? Strange stuff - I've heard of nits and warts and bed bugs and such but those aren't usually in your ear. Kid said they sounded like Rice Krispies, snappin', poppin', and such, walkin' around up in there...and....
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
(to Myron): ...well, I don't know, I guess they could have just walked right in. Say, you've been irritable this week, maybe you got 'em, too.
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...yeah, why don't you try that - just tilt your head and use your hand to give your other ear a good solid whack. Go ahead, just turn and - there you go - a nice, swift...
(A loud smacking noise is heard.)
Mitchell
(to Myron): ...to your head and see what - there, you see...(to audience): Myron's been talkin' loud and fallin' down a bit this week and thinks maybe he's got something in his ear, too, and...(to Myron): ...you got somethin'? Good, good - what is it?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
(to Myron): now why on earth did you do that? (sighs) (to audience): this kid, Myron, we got runnin' things behind the scenes for us now...heard somethin' about pocket fishermen and pocket musicians...went out and bought him one of those new ear drummers - you seen those? Little buggers, 'bout yay high, sort of the size of one of those baby snails, I think; anyway, you just slide 'em in the ear and they come with the sticks and...(to Myron): ...hey, do you have to give them a rhythm or a beat or anything?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
Huh-huh. Wow. That's just crazy. Anyway, enough of that, we've got Tori Sfinx tonight on the program with us, Sfinx is the head of PR at the Glomus Cereal company where they've recently come under fire for their totally evil...and totally delicious, I might add...hey, you had any of that evil cereal, Myron?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...no, don't go and put any Fateful Flakes in your ear. Anyway, Tori Sfinx is with us, stick around, fire up the evil-teenies and listen to sounds as they soar through the evil air.
Mitchell
We're back - my guest tonight has been called the creator of the evilest breakfast cereal ever and - really?
Sfinx
That's what they say.
Mitchell
Wow - even more evil than Count Chocula and his six-pointed star?
Sfinx
Yes.
Mitchell
More vile than whatever it was they stuffed into Bigg Mixx?
Sfinx
(sighs and chuckles) Sad but true.
Mitchell
Huh. The product is Fateful Flakes and if you haven't heard of this stuff...well, it's being marketed as a 'bad start to your morning.' For those at home, it's flakes of bran and wheat or somethin' with little colorful bits of marshmallows, I think. I hope. Tori - first welcome to the show. Tori, I saw that early on in the campaign and didn't think much of it at the time; I thought maybe it was chock-full of sugar and other stuff moms don't want their kids to eat these days, but it's actually an evil...
Sfinx
Oh, yes.
Mitchell
...cereal. Please, tell us about it.
Sfinx
Well it began with a brainstorming meeting a year ago at our headquarters - we'd gotten so far with our Glomar and Special G brands and wanted to expand our fledging kiddie base. We tried that demographic in the 1960s with some less-than-spectacular stuff: Warty Wheat Smacks, wart-sized honey-flavored puffs of wheat popularized by a cartoon toad; and Gloomies, a vanilla-flavored concoction shaped like bones and skeletons. It might have glowed in the dark, too, but, uh...our stuff failed soon after General Mills kicked off their monster cereal brands and we've been stuck...
Mitchell
...Stuck deep in Glomar, it sounds like.
Sfinx
...in Glomar (laughs)....as you say, yes. So for Fateful Flakes, we researched the market and came up with something we thought expanded the popular Glomus name but was hip and trendy and would be something enjoyable for kids.
Mitchell
Let me ask up front: is this stuff healthy?
Sfinx
Oh, dear me - well, the flakes are. We were quick to jump on that whole "100% real grain" bandwagon, although I should point out our founder, Bagwell Glomus, was a real health nut and insisted on real grain and good-for-you products since our company was founded.
Mitchell
Glomus, he of Bellairs' The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt fame.
Sfinx
Right.
Mitchell
But these marshmallow bits....
Sfinx
(laughing) Yes, the marshmallow bits. (Sighs) That's what's been the bane of our marketing campaign for the last three or four months now. It's not anything we would have thought kids would have tried but, I guess, that's our punishment for having warlocks compose your jingle.
Mitchell
Yeah, I suppose so - listen, why don't we listen to that jingle in a bit. First let's take a moment and listen to some other stuff, too. We'll take a break and come back with Tori Sfinx. Stick around; we'll be back in a moment.
Mitchell
We're back, thanks, and we're with Tori Sfinx: so tell us about this warlock-penned jingle.
Sfinx
...the noted lyricist....
Mitchell
Well, the secret's been out for a while - it's Tom Lice....
Sfinx
...yes, who's done wonders for awful, evil animated movies everywhere and those lavish stage shows over in London's West End. Anyway...the jingle he came up with seemed innocent enough at first but it turned out to be some sort of mild charm - nothing overtly dangerous but not the sort of thing kids need to be reciting during the morning hours at the family breakfast table.
Mitchell
Uh-huh - let's go ahead and take a look at the advert in question - this is one that has been airing for the past few months now, right?
Sfinx
Yes, yes it has.
Mitchell
Far out - okay, Myron...kick that projector into gear, won't you?
What a terrible commercial.
Sfinx
Yes, it really is evil.
Mitchell
(Blankly): Uh...right. Evil. Uh, so do...that cat sort of looked like you, Myron, don't you think.
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...well, I think you bring bad luck. Anyway, Tori, so the flack as I understand it comes from the cat's little singsong verse there at the end.
Sfinx
Yes, as I said, Tom Lice wrote it for us and we knew it was probably a charm of some sort but we really didn't know the...you know, it's true effectiveness. Kids picked up on its catchiness and began reciting it during breakfast and it levitates the cereal...
Mitchell
Yeah, this is what surprises me - it really levitates the little marshmallow pieces in mid air. About six-to-eight inches above the bowl, you said.
Sfinx
Correct. From our own tests we discovered that the milk gets pushed to either side of the bowl, as if someone were splitting the liquid in half, and then the little colorful pieces collect at the bottom of the bowl and then fly upward and...well, float.
Mitchell
Fascinating. Now, I've got a bowl here and...Myron? Myron, where the milk?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
So I probably don't need milk, you say?
Sfinx
No, you could just open the box now and...
Mitchell
...okay, we're going to try this the old fashioned way; just rip it open and...you know, this stuff doesn't smell that bad.
Sfinx
Yeah....
Mitchell
Okay, Tori, you have the lyrics for me...yes, thank you. Let's see...is it aba ceresab bachabe?
(Marshmallow pieces float upward and hover about a foot above the box.)
Mitchell
Wow - now that's somethin' you don't see every day? And...check it out...you can just reach out and grab one and pop it in your mout....
Sfinx
No, wait! Don't! That's part of the problem!
Mitchell
Ah, so you said. We'll get to that in a moment, but let's take a break while I examine what's left inside this box. Sort of wish there was a free whistle or something in the bottom...I could get to it faster now....
Mitchell
We're back - Tori, tell us what the big problem has been with this chant and floating cereal.
Sfinx
I think it's a bit obvious: while your audience was away watching commercials these bits of cereal haven't done much - they haven't sunken back into the box nor have they floated any higher. Go ahead and try to pull one of those purple pieces down - go ahead. Now let go. It defies gravity; you cannot get these things back down.
Mitchell
So what's the chant all about, then?
Sfinx
Ah, such is the fun of life. (giggle) We actually had to turn to Glomus' personal library of the occult to find some sort of answer; turns out the phrase 'aba...,' well, I'm not going to say it again but it's a variation on raising the dead.
Mitchell
Necromancy?
Sfinx
Yeah, something like that. However Tom Lice got the best of us and now instead of reanimating dead people we have a nationwide commercial that features a line that reanimates dead pieces of processed grains, you know - the cereal. In this case, at least, the marshmallow bits.
Mitchell
And you've pulled the ad?
Sfinx
No, not in all markets. But in those markets we have pulled the cereal from was due to other issues, mainly kids eating the floating cereal.
Mitchell
...hmmm, yes, you snapped at me earlier about that; I gathered something was wrong. What happens...?
Sfinx
Uh, well...it sounds crazy....
Mitchell
...as if floating breakfast cereal wasn't....
Sfinx
(Laughing) How true, how true - but if you think of a balloon with helium. By itself the balloon doesn't float. Once you fill it with helium....
Mitchell
Ah - the balloon rises.
Sfinx
And so do the kids. We heard about one household that bought nothing but Glomus brand products and went through two boxes in eight days. Somewhere the two children heard the jingle, said it themselves, and then ate the pieces in midair. By the time they got to school they were floating two feet above the ground.
Mitchell
So how do they get down?
Sfinx
Ah, there then is our company's challenge: we've got to find the spell that lowers the dead - if there is such thing.
Mitchell
(Not paying attention) So if I ate all these pieces of marshmallow in the air, and all the bits in those other boxes you brought, I could fly off, you're saying? What about the bits I've already eaten?
Sfinx
Nope - your teeth break it down into smaller pieces and then stomach acids dissolve the sugary lump into waste that is....
Mitchell
Right, right. Okay, I gotta see this - Myron! Come on over, kid - let's get you goofed-up on cereal. How does that sound?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
Fine - have a box and run the show from over there. (Broteus tosses a box off camera) Well, Tori I wish you success in your endeavors and hope everything works out for you and the Glomus people.
Sfinx
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Mitchell
Our pleasure - here's to seven months of good luck for a change!
Sfinx
(Laughs)
Mitchell
All right then, my thanks to everyone for sticking around. And remember - believe only half of what you read. Aba ceresab bachabe, everyone!
Theme music (prominently featuring a harpsichord and xylophone) fades up.
Mitchell
Tonight, an evil conversation about the evil breakfast of evil champions.
Announcer
Somewhere on the stage of life, you'll find something that's All About Evil, with Dr. Broteus Mitchell.
Theme music fades out and under.
Mitchell
...yeah, thanks. Hey, everyone, an' welcome to the program, another exciting adventure that's All About Evil. I'm B.M. and I was talking with Myron about this earlier before we went to air - did you hear the one about the kid who woke up with a spider in his ear? Strange stuff - I've heard of nits and warts and bed bugs and such but those aren't usually in your ear. Kid said they sounded like Rice Krispies, snappin', poppin', and such, walkin' around up in there...and....
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
(to Myron): ...well, I don't know, I guess they could have just walked right in. Say, you've been irritable this week, maybe you got 'em, too.
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...yeah, why don't you try that - just tilt your head and use your hand to give your other ear a good solid whack. Go ahead, just turn and - there you go - a nice, swift...
(A loud smacking noise is heard.)
Mitchell
(to Myron): ...to your head and see what - there, you see...(to audience): Myron's been talkin' loud and fallin' down a bit this week and thinks maybe he's got something in his ear, too, and...(to Myron): ...you got somethin'? Good, good - what is it?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
(to Myron): now why on earth did you do that? (sighs) (to audience): this kid, Myron, we got runnin' things behind the scenes for us now...heard somethin' about pocket fishermen and pocket musicians...went out and bought him one of those new ear drummers - you seen those? Little buggers, 'bout yay high, sort of the size of one of those baby snails, I think; anyway, you just slide 'em in the ear and they come with the sticks and...(to Myron): ...hey, do you have to give them a rhythm or a beat or anything?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
Huh-huh. Wow. That's just crazy. Anyway, enough of that, we've got Tori Sfinx tonight on the program with us, Sfinx is the head of PR at the Glomus Cereal company where they've recently come under fire for their totally evil...and totally delicious, I might add...hey, you had any of that evil cereal, Myron?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...no, don't go and put any Fateful Flakes in your ear. Anyway, Tori Sfinx is with us, stick around, fire up the evil-teenies and listen to sounds as they soar through the evil air.
(One hundred twenty seconds of advertisements, quite possibly the evilest advertisements ever produced.)
Mitchell
We're back - my guest tonight has been called the creator of the evilest breakfast cereal ever and - really?
Sfinx
That's what they say.
Mitchell
Wow - even more evil than Count Chocula and his six-pointed star?
Sfinx
Yes.
Mitchell
More vile than whatever it was they stuffed into Bigg Mixx?
Sfinx
(sighs and chuckles) Sad but true.
Mitchell
Huh. The product is Fateful Flakes and if you haven't heard of this stuff...well, it's being marketed as a 'bad start to your morning.' For those at home, it's flakes of bran and wheat or somethin' with little colorful bits of marshmallows, I think. I hope. Tori - first welcome to the show. Tori, I saw that early on in the campaign and didn't think much of it at the time; I thought maybe it was chock-full of sugar and other stuff moms don't want their kids to eat these days, but it's actually an evil...
Sfinx
Oh, yes.
Mitchell
...cereal. Please, tell us about it.
Sfinx
Well it began with a brainstorming meeting a year ago at our headquarters - we'd gotten so far with our Glomar and Special G brands and wanted to expand our fledging kiddie base. We tried that demographic in the 1960s with some less-than-spectacular stuff: Warty Wheat Smacks, wart-sized honey-flavored puffs of wheat popularized by a cartoon toad; and Gloomies, a vanilla-flavored concoction shaped like bones and skeletons. It might have glowed in the dark, too, but, uh...our stuff failed soon after General Mills kicked off their monster cereal brands and we've been stuck...
Mitchell
...Stuck deep in Glomar, it sounds like.
Sfinx
...in Glomar (laughs)....as you say, yes. So for Fateful Flakes, we researched the market and came up with something we thought expanded the popular Glomus name but was hip and trendy and would be something enjoyable for kids.
Mitchell
Let me ask up front: is this stuff healthy?
Sfinx
Oh, dear me - well, the flakes are. We were quick to jump on that whole "100% real grain" bandwagon, although I should point out our founder, Bagwell Glomus, was a real health nut and insisted on real grain and good-for-you products since our company was founded.
Mitchell
Glomus, he of Bellairs' The Mummy, the Will, and the Crypt fame.
Sfinx
Right.
Mitchell
But these marshmallow bits....
Sfinx
(laughing) Yes, the marshmallow bits. (Sighs) That's what's been the bane of our marketing campaign for the last three or four months now. It's not anything we would have thought kids would have tried but, I guess, that's our punishment for having warlocks compose your jingle.
Mitchell
Yeah, I suppose so - listen, why don't we listen to that jingle in a bit. First let's take a moment and listen to some other stuff, too. We'll take a break and come back with Tori Sfinx. Stick around; we'll be back in a moment.
(More evil commercials. Evil, I tells you - e-v-i-l!)
Mitchell
We're back, thanks, and we're with Tori Sfinx: so tell us about this warlock-penned jingle.
Sfinx
...the noted lyricist....
Mitchell
Well, the secret's been out for a while - it's Tom Lice....
Sfinx
...yes, who's done wonders for awful, evil animated movies everywhere and those lavish stage shows over in London's West End. Anyway...the jingle he came up with seemed innocent enough at first but it turned out to be some sort of mild charm - nothing overtly dangerous but not the sort of thing kids need to be reciting during the morning hours at the family breakfast table.
Mitchell
Uh-huh - let's go ahead and take a look at the advert in question - this is one that has been airing for the past few months now, right?
Sfinx
Yes, yes it has.
Mitchell
Far out - okay, Myron...kick that projector into gear, won't you?
(Animation: a black cat bounces playfully through an insect-infested forest; two children, one girl, one boy, try to catch the cat that always seems to jump out the children's reach at just the right time. Skies are overcast and nothing looks enjoyable - even the bowl of cereal the cat somehow manages to balance in his paws as he runs.)Mitchell:
Kid 1 & 2:
Black Cat!
Black Cat:
Hey, kids! You don't want to catch me! I'm bad luck!
Kid 1:
But his cereal isn't!
Kid 2:
It's gre..er, it's good!
Black Cat:
But they won't catch me or my cereal, Fateful Flakes with tiny malevolent marshmallows: pink spiders, yellow skulls, blue figurines, orange stars, green paperweights, and purple hands of glory. A great part of any breakfast!
(Each marshmallow of doom floats above the cat's head as he identifies it by name; however the cat and all the marshmallows fall when the cat trips over a flat slab of stone in the middle of a deserted clearing in the forest. There is writing chiseled into the stone.)
Kid 1:
Now we've got you!
Black Cat:
And seven years bad luck, too! Oh, bother.
Kid 1, Kid 2, and Black Cat:
(Singing): Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' from the coven and Fateful Flakes are aba ceresab bachabe delicious!
What a terrible commercial.
Sfinx
Yes, it really is evil.
Mitchell
(Blankly): Uh...right. Evil. Uh, so do...that cat sort of looked like you, Myron, don't you think.
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
...well, I think you bring bad luck. Anyway, Tori, so the flack as I understand it comes from the cat's little singsong verse there at the end.
Sfinx
Yes, as I said, Tom Lice wrote it for us and we knew it was probably a charm of some sort but we really didn't know the...you know, it's true effectiveness. Kids picked up on its catchiness and began reciting it during breakfast and it levitates the cereal...
Mitchell
Yeah, this is what surprises me - it really levitates the little marshmallow pieces in mid air. About six-to-eight inches above the bowl, you said.
Sfinx
Correct. From our own tests we discovered that the milk gets pushed to either side of the bowl, as if someone were splitting the liquid in half, and then the little colorful pieces collect at the bottom of the bowl and then fly upward and...well, float.
Mitchell
Fascinating. Now, I've got a bowl here and...Myron? Myron, where the milk?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
So I probably don't need milk, you say?
Sfinx
No, you could just open the box now and...
Mitchell
...okay, we're going to try this the old fashioned way; just rip it open and...you know, this stuff doesn't smell that bad.
Sfinx
Yeah....
Mitchell
Okay, Tori, you have the lyrics for me...yes, thank you. Let's see...is it aba ceresab bachabe?
(Marshmallow pieces float upward and hover about a foot above the box.)
Mitchell
Wow - now that's somethin' you don't see every day? And...check it out...you can just reach out and grab one and pop it in your mout....
Sfinx
No, wait! Don't! That's part of the problem!
Mitchell
Ah, so you said. We'll get to that in a moment, but let's take a break while I examine what's left inside this box. Sort of wish there was a free whistle or something in the bottom...I could get to it faster now....
(E-evil commercial, e-evil commercial, e-evil commercial, evil commercial.)
Mitchell
We're back - Tori, tell us what the big problem has been with this chant and floating cereal.
Sfinx
I think it's a bit obvious: while your audience was away watching commercials these bits of cereal haven't done much - they haven't sunken back into the box nor have they floated any higher. Go ahead and try to pull one of those purple pieces down - go ahead. Now let go. It defies gravity; you cannot get these things back down.
Mitchell
So what's the chant all about, then?
Sfinx
Ah, such is the fun of life. (giggle) We actually had to turn to Glomus' personal library of the occult to find some sort of answer; turns out the phrase 'aba...,' well, I'm not going to say it again but it's a variation on raising the dead.
Mitchell
Necromancy?
Sfinx
Yeah, something like that. However Tom Lice got the best of us and now instead of reanimating dead people we have a nationwide commercial that features a line that reanimates dead pieces of processed grains, you know - the cereal. In this case, at least, the marshmallow bits.
Mitchell
And you've pulled the ad?
Sfinx
No, not in all markets. But in those markets we have pulled the cereal from was due to other issues, mainly kids eating the floating cereal.
Mitchell
...hmmm, yes, you snapped at me earlier about that; I gathered something was wrong. What happens...?
Sfinx
Uh, well...it sounds crazy....
Mitchell
...as if floating breakfast cereal wasn't....
Sfinx
(Laughing) How true, how true - but if you think of a balloon with helium. By itself the balloon doesn't float. Once you fill it with helium....
Mitchell
Ah - the balloon rises.
Sfinx
And so do the kids. We heard about one household that bought nothing but Glomus brand products and went through two boxes in eight days. Somewhere the two children heard the jingle, said it themselves, and then ate the pieces in midair. By the time they got to school they were floating two feet above the ground.
Mitchell
So how do they get down?
Sfinx
Ah, there then is our company's challenge: we've got to find the spell that lowers the dead - if there is such thing.
Mitchell
(Not paying attention) So if I ate all these pieces of marshmallow in the air, and all the bits in those other boxes you brought, I could fly off, you're saying? What about the bits I've already eaten?
Sfinx
Nope - your teeth break it down into smaller pieces and then stomach acids dissolve the sugary lump into waste that is....
Mitchell
Right, right. Okay, I gotta see this - Myron! Come on over, kid - let's get you goofed-up on cereal. How does that sound?
Myron
(Off-camera, inaudible)
Mitchell
Fine - have a box and run the show from over there. (Broteus tosses a box off camera) Well, Tori I wish you success in your endeavors and hope everything works out for you and the Glomus people.
Sfinx
Thank you, thank you for having me.
Mitchell
Our pleasure - here's to seven months of good luck for a change!
Sfinx
(Laughs)
Mitchell
All right then, my thanks to everyone for sticking around. And remember - believe only half of what you read. Aba ceresab bachabe, everyone!
No comments:
Post a Comment